"People said to me, 'Why do you like to contemplate? You're a marxist, marxists don't contemplate'. I said I'm not a marxist, I'm Javanese. And these contemplations are what guide me to continue living."
I caught this while watching The Exile in theatre. Near the end of the film there was a shot of one of the political exiles, who had been living on foreign lands for more than fifty years, sitting at a corner desk with his computer. He mentioned how he found contemplating in writing as a part of his way to continue on living.
Days later I read a thread on twitter from a man describing his experience at the height of his depression on the verge of suicide. He explained how it was through writing he was able to pull himself through those darkest days.
I kept thinking of both of these especially the first one. These days I feel like I don't really have much ambition for life anymore. I feel like I've experienced all that I've wanted to experienced. I've lived my youth, the good and the bad. I've lived in another continent. I've travelled to many countries. I've known love in the deepest way and broken in an even deeper way. I've had good sex, bad sex. I don't want children so I don't feel I'm missing out in that department.
Of course there are many things I've yet experienced, but I don't have any strong attachment that makes me want to hold on to this life. Like I could go anytime and I wouldn't mind. Perhaps it's a product of my depression in the past because people with trauma generally don't hold on to life too preciously and are mentally tougher when facing the apocalypse.
But saying all these, there's one thing I feel like I still need to do. And that is to write. Not to anyone in particular, not to anyone at all. But just to write. To get things out of my head. As someone who often felt misunderstood, who hold on to trauma, and who often bundle things inside, I feel like I have to clear it out. Clear out the rotting sediment inside my head and put it all out. Just to make myself feel lighter in a way. I don't know if I could do it, I don't think it could be completely cleared out. And I might not succeed in my lifetime. But I guess I'm writing this to say that I shall try.
