Fact is, it's been more than two years that I had sort of abandoned this identity, I no longer took it up seriously on my daily basis. And it's been almost two months since I had the idea and planned to write quite a lot of things about my struggle with it lately and now I have about four different drafts that I never published. Which now I had decided not to.
Instead, I wanna put up some quote from the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, which was actually a legendary broadcast talks on the radio during the WWII.
Now quite plainly, natural gifts carry with them a similar danger. If you have sound nerves and intelligence and health and popularity and a good upbringing, you are likely to be quite satisfied with your character as it is. 'Why drag God into it?' you may ask. A certain level of good conduct comes fairly easily to you. You are not one of those wretched creatures who are always being tripped up by sex, or dipsomania, or nervousness, or bad temper. But if you are a poor creature - poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels - saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion - nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends - do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-head and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all - not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school.
I feel like I am trying to drive a really wretched machine which sometimes I couldn't even know how to control. Often times I was so ready to just throw it in the garbage and let it be the end of it. But apparently, that's not how it works according to the manual. All I can do is to keep on. To keep getting up after I stumbled. Hopefully one day I'll found reconciliation with myself so I could be reconciled also with others.
