lasciami una luce accesa

Posso aiutarti / Manca l’aria qui in città / Sento i tuoi sguardi 

Ma il mio sorriso dove sta? Dove sta? 

La gente dorme, non fa rumore / Ho gli occhi rossi, che presa a male 

Guarda i palazzi coprire il cielo / Faccio promesse che non mantengo 

Conto i miei passi così non penso più / Ho la testa libera 

Come accettarsi non lo sai neanche tu / E questa idea mi soffoca 

Parlo da solo, mi sento un pazzo / Cerco un contatto, voglio un abbraccio 

Per sentirmi vivo restando al centro / Faccio promesse che non mantengo

Sei fermo a metà / Senza una meta / La notte passa / Sento la mia vita appesa 

Guardo di là / Mollo la presa / Dalla finestra / Lasciami una luce accesa 

Lasciami una luce accesa

 

agony: drowning in pain

After the years that has passed by, a knife just being stabbed on me. And it broke me to the condition I had never imagined I'd experience. It has brought me to the level of insanity where I couldn't control what I want and want not to think and to say. But the news (I don't know whether it's a good one or a bad one) is that I'm still alive.

With the least of energy I still got, life goes on. And I still came to this jazz performance last week. This time it's a quartet led by Sandy Winarta, one of the few drummer that I admire because of how controlled and stable he is when performing. Still in my mind up until today is their last song titled "I love you". At first I was furious because the tempo was so fast, the drum and the bass was so loud, I thought how can you feel "love" if it's this loud. But then I started to feel my heart beats, faster and faster and I realized that this is how you actually feel it. Then the music slowed down, almost melodious and wavy, you can feel the calmness and the joy of being in love.

Another one was Noord Nederlanse Dans, a contemporary dance from North Holland. I don't know whether it's because I've been so emotional with everything that happened lately but I must say that this is one of the best dance performance I've ever been to. I never knew you could pour out such greatness of emotion and character and struggle in movement with very least attributes and accessories, but only the tension of the body and dynamic lighting and strong musicality.

At the second part, there was a woman standing face to face so close to a man. They tangled they hands, and with only the waving and gesturing of their hands together, you could see that they were portraying love, and lust. In other part you could feel like you're drowning in pain and sorrow but you still see the beauty in it. I really wished the show was much more than just an hour. I could spend the rest of my life just sit there absorbing the passion of these people transmitted so vividly to the audience. And for once after weeks of living in agony, I felt grateful that I was still alive. Now if only the feeling lasts after the dance's over.

life is a voyage too long

It wasn't what I saw that stopped me.

It was what I didn't see. Can you understand that ?

In all that sprawling city, there was everything except an end.

There was everything. But there wasn't an end.

What I couldn't see was where all that came to an end. The end of the world.

Did you see the streets? There were thousands of them! How do you choose just one?

One woman, one house, one piece of land to call your own, one landscape to look at, one way to die.

All that world weighing down on you without you knowing where it ends.

Aren't you scared of just breaking apart just thinking about it, the enormity of living in it?

Land is a ship too big for me.

It's a woman too beautiful. It's a voyage too long. Perfume too strong.

It's music I don't know how to make. I can't get off this ship.

At best, I can step off my life. After all, it's as though I never existed.

-Danny Boodman T. D. Lemon 1900

From the movie, The Legend of 1900, original title La Leggenda del Pianista sull'Oceano, a movie by Italian director Giuseppe Tornatore about a prodigal pianist born and lived his whole life in a four stacker ship, the SS Virginian.

pulling myself together

I've been trying very hard to pull myself together each day. Out of five working days in a week, I called out sick for two days, two other days I came in very late, and another day being very sick at the office. This is why I no longer bought that Paulo Coelho, the universe doesn't conspire to help you reaching your "dream" (I'm still hating that word "dream", so superficial yet naive, a wrong propaganda). The universe is trying with all its might to bring you down, and this is what they called life. Everything could go so very wrong all at the very same time. I was so tired mentally, I tried to keep myself busy which made me also became physically tired. I would have this morning sickness when I had huge urge to vomit and I had no energy and no reason to live the day. And there are always those things that were out of my control that went wrong and stressed me out.

But anyway, I am alive. And healthy, which is important. And I've always tried to put smiles and laughters every time I whined, to show that I was actually okay and to tell myself that things are okay. I just have to find myself new reasons and new strength to continue on living.

And these were from Friday night last week when my office mate asked me to join him shoot whatever and wherever, trying some strobe thing. Ended up just shooting some vain portraits. Haha. I know I sucked at photography, but at least it helps keeping me being sane.

relationship expiry

So.. Does love has an expiry? Does a relationship has an expiry? Once I thought this line is just ridiculous..

back to the start

Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Take me back to the start.

my city

I had a conversation with one of my friend abroad and when he said that he like this city more than that city he's currently living, i ask him why. He said, "Because there I can go everywhere by car and I can have my driver drive me anywhere". I was like, "..."

Sometimes I wonder if this city really belong only to those with cars, those who have sets of aircon in every corner of their house, those who.. argh I don't know..

p.s. There's this article about public space in city that you can read here.

insanity

Sometimes I wish my parents realize that I'm insane and send me to rehab or somewhere far from here so I could just disappear.. People will forget that I ever even exist..

this city sucks

Tired of everyday life.. Tired of myself..
Tired of this city..